Hurt

Well, talk about hurting badly. I tried to get out of a situation that I didn't even want to be in, and in the process, have become a most hated person. I lost someone I cared about. This has made me realize I am done with people. Completely done. I will be hiding the next few weeks until school is over and I don't care about anyone else. I am worthless and I hate myself. So if I don't even post on here I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting anyone!

Tired

I am so tired it's not even funny. It's been many hours since I had any type of real sleep. I am so sick of all this crap! Sometimes it's hard for me to understand what all is going on. I just want to turn my back on everything and go to sleep!!!!! I posted this with someone watching over my back. Now they are gone and I can post my feelings. I really am hurt today. I told myself I wouldn't let myself get hurt, but it happened and it's too late to change it. He knows something is wrong with me but I can't bring myself to tell him. I have sacrificed time to help him the last couple days. I am now just lying down for the first time since 2 yesterday afternoon for a short 1.5 hour nap. Other than that, I have been up since 715 am Sunday morning. I am so tired, I am cranky, and I just want to quit everything!

PRAYER

This song is my prayer today. I just want to give it all to Him and trust in Him. He knows what is best for my life. He has never left me, even in my darkest time; He has always kept me safe.
Today has been an interesting day. I was up late again last night talking with someone who has become a very dear friend to me. Situations have risen and seemed out of control. But I know God is faithful. I have had problems giving everything to God before. Last night was one of those nights you just wish never happened. But it did. First my power cord to my computer decided it didn't want to work anymore. And for those of you who know me, my laptop battery doesn't work. So I have to rely on that cord every day. So that was the first thing last night. Well ok, not the first thing, the first thing was I wasn't feeling well and went into the bathroom to find that I was out of tp. I thought I had an extra roll, but I was wrong. Luckily though I went in search of one after the power cord died and found a roll in the security office. I'm glad I have made them my friends. So anyways, the power issue is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I sat on the floor just letting the tears pour out. I was crying so hard. But for me, tears = healing.
So, here I am at work, where there is an extra power cord that I am borrowing until I can get a replacement. I opened the laptop and I have a widget on my desktop of Bible verses. I get a new one every day. And as I am sitting here reading it, I can't help but think, I don't do this nearly enough. Colossians 3:17 says, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Here we are, just celebrating Thanksgiving, and I realize just how many people (including myself) do not give as much thanks every day as we should. All I know, right now, is I have so much to be thankful for. God has been doing so many things in my life and in my family's lives, that I can't not thank Him. For the past few months I have been praying for my brother. Okay I should say for the past few years we have been praying. But in particularly we have been praying a lot the last few months. My brother and I had a falling out (never lend money to siblings, parents are ok because they do everything else for you, but not siblings). I love my brother. But if you can't tell, I did lend him money. The first time I did it, he paid me back. Actually he paid me back almost double. So I thought I could trust him and I lent him 200 dollars. Plus I had given him money for new tires for my car. Well, he said he'd have the money. Time went on and he didn't call. So I started calling him. He was avoiding every call. It got to the point where he would pick up the phone and hang up so it wouldn't go to his voicemail. I was getting frustrated. My mom paid me back the money for the tires, but here was my savings (I was saving for a new laptop), completely depleted. I wanted to give up honestly. I was sick of it all. I was hurting over this. But deep in my heart I felt God telling me not to give up. Keep praying for him. So I did. I quit calling and kept praying. I asked my classmates and friends to pray as well. His birthday was last week, (which I had forgotten by the way). But I was going through my phone list and decided to give it a try. I called him. HE ANSWERED. Needless to say I was floored. But even more so, he was at my house! He was with my family again. So we talked for a few minutes and hung up. Well he had to work the days around Thanksgiving so he didn't come home. I was disappointed but I understood. Well, yesterday, while my friend and I were driving back to campus, I called him again. We talked for a good while. I didn't bring up the money, because honestly, if he doesn't have it, I'm not going to hound him for it. So we talked and he said he would try to come see me this coming weekend. I'm not holding my breath, but it would be nice. But as we talked, he mentioned he had moved and was now living above a bar. My brother inherited my father's old drinking habits. So hearing my brother say this was beyond scary for me. So I came right out and asked him. He told me he is hardly drinking at all. He said he has one or two here or there, but he knew he couldn't do it anymore, and had even lost around 20lbs so far since he stopped putting it away every day. I started crying when he told me this. If he is being completely serious (which I plan on asking my parents about the weight loss on Tuesday) I am so proud of him and know this is one step in the right direction. We can't stop praying, my brother isn't saved. He grew up in a good home, even though things were hard on us. My sister's death and my father's drinking almost ruined us. And in the time, it ruined who he could have been. But he's 30 now. He needs to grow up. I pray God will show him that He has been there all along for my brother, and probably saved his life a time or two. My brother should be in jail. He should be dead. But he's not. And it's thanks to God.
I hope these words from this song become a prayer like they are for me right now.

My life is in You, Lord
My strength is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord
In You, it's in You
My life is in You, Lord
My strength is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord
In You, it's in You
I will praise You with all of my life
I will praise You with all of my strength
With all of my life
With all of my strength
All of my hope is in You
My life is in You, Lord
My strength is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord
In You, it's in You
My life is in You, Lord
My strength is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord
In You, it's in You
In You, it is in You!

Thanksgiving and my ramblings

So I am sitting here thinking about everything that has been going on lately. Thanksgiving 2007 has come and gone and all I can think about is how much I am blessed. Even though I miss being in a relationship and wish I had a man to care about me, I know how blessed I am to have my friends. My friends are absolutely amazing and I don’t know where I’d be right now without them. My time at home has been good. I brought a friend home with me for break and it’s been nice spending time with him and spending time with my family. I am still learning everything God has for me. Something I am struggling with right now is how I look. I am not feeling like I can attract a guy like some girls can. It’s hard when you find yourself liking someone, but be told that you are just a friend and they feel like you are like a sister or you just aren’t their body type. I think that one hurts the worst. Being told I am not good enough is something I have always heard. Sometimes I just want to feel what it’s like to be cared about by that certain man. I want to be held in strong arms; arms that I know will protect me and stay by my side when I need him. I don’t want to sound like a complete romantic but I honestly just want a man I can care for and who will care for me. Being alone sometimes just hurts. The thing that hurts the most is waiting for God to give me that special person. I know I can wait. But as humans we do not like to be patient. Patience is something we all have problems with. I know there is someone out there that I know I can put up with for the rest of my life, but the patience of waiting for him and being myself are the struggles I put up with for every guy I have ever met. I know I talk a lot about guys in this bog, but that’s what has been going on in life for me right now. I’m not perfect. I know that. But I want someone who will see me for me and want me for who I am and not try to change me. I have finally learned who I am and am waiting for the man to know who he is and come together as one someday. I honestly just want to feel cared for and feel safe with. I have crushes on guys, but am tired of wondering if they feel the same way because I cannot come forward and just tell them. In the past when I have done that it has turned out badly, and these guys are amazing friends. I can't lose the at this point in life. I earned a lot on my own at the beginning of the year when my friends had gone separate ways. Now my friends have multiplied and the ones I have now are amazing. I don't want to lose even one of them at this point. They all mean so much to me and I know just what it means to have real friends. God has truly blessed me with amazing friends and at this moment in time I won't do anything to ruin that friendship between us right now.

Lost Time

So I didn't write again when I said I would. Things have been getting busy around here. Some days I feel so lost. But then others, like yesterday, were amazing. Yesterday, 4 friends and I went exploring of an abandoned building. Yes it was illegal but thank God we weren't caught. We took lots of pictures and just had an amazing time hanging out with each other. The only problem for me was I got sick. There was so much "stuff" in the air in the buildings that my lungs filled and it seriously hurt. My lungs still hurt today, but not quite as bad. I would love to go back, but not sure if I would be able to handle it again.But God has been good. He has blessed me with these friends and I am so thankful for them. I wish things were easier sometimes though. I kind of like one of them, but can't ever see anything happening between us, but would like it. He's a great guy.On another note, I get to go home in a couple days. I am so happy. I can't wait to see my family. I have missed them all so much recently. I don't get to go home as often as I used to due to lack of time and that I work on the weekends. But in just a few days I will be home in my mother's arms. I know it sounds stupid, but honestly, I miss my mom's hugs.I have been learning more of who I am recently. And I have to say I am pleased with everything that is coming about. The Lord is teaching me many new things and I am happy with who I am, and slowly losing weight. God is good.Have an amazing day!

What do you think?

I have so much on my mind right now. I don't even know where to begin. I feel so lost. I am so confused.I am happy in my Lord. I am happy in God. He is my rock and everything about me. Couple years ago I wasn't so sure. But he's there. I have struggled with depression for close to 10 years. We never sought counseling or anything. Probably should have. But my parents never thought it was something we needed. I honestly feel that after Amy died we all should have gone to counseling. I think it would have helped us out. But even though I feel this way, I always have to remember that God is good. He is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. I have seen miracles. Those miracles are what make me smile.I was discussing the last couple chapel services we have had with someone today.
Will write when I get back...going on a walk....

Cold

Today has been a very cold day. Even while I was sitting in my classes it was very cold. Other than that today has been a great day. I was woken up around 8 by a friend of mine. I had planned on getting up early anyways because I felt like dressing up a little bit today since I went shopping and wanted to wear one of my new shirts. Anyways she asked if she could do my hair. I of course said yes since I absolutely love people playing with my hair. She did an amazing job. Than she did my makeup. Can I just say I truly felt beautiful today? I had people just looking at me and not even realizing I could look this good! It was great!
Well in just a few minutes I will be headed to my friend's recital. It should be really good. He's been practicing like crazy!
I will post pictures later, once I figure out how. LOL
Have a great day and I may post later.

No idea

This morning I am sitting at work not even sure what to write about. The last couple of days have been great thanks to a few friends. I am able to move on and be myself and have fun with the girls. I once founds a quote, which I used at my High School graduation that said something along the lines of friends come and go, but they always leave footprints on our hearts. We will remember good times and bad times. But it is in those times that we learn and grow and those are some of the things that shape us into who we are.
I am thankful for all those friends. My childhood wasn't easy. When I was 8 years old, a doctor made a mistake that ended the life of an amazing woman of God. At 20 years old and a sophmore/junior in college, she had everything ahead of her. She was studying to be a special education teacher. She had such a passion for these things. She loved God, loved her parents, loved her brother and sister and her friends. Everyone who knew her loved her as weel. She had an amazing personality and no matter what she did, she showed Christ in everything. In May, 15 years will have passed. 15 years of the world robbed of a woman who could have done so much good. Does it seem fair? I don't think so. But I can't help but be jealous towards my God. He gets her every day. Her smile, her laughter, she is running around heaven free of pain and of sickness.
May 14, 1993, She was in her bedroom getting ready for work. She started having an asthma attack and was rushed to the ER. On the way to the hospital she was stabalized by an amazing crew, one woman on the crew was a friend of hers. Unfortunately, according to procedure she still had to go in and get checked out. The young woman was admitted into the hospital, and was seen by the doctor. He wasn't paying attention or doing anything he was supposed to and she ended up having another attack, only this time a lot worse. Her throat swelled and they had to do a tracheotomy to help her breathe. He did the trache just fine, but when he went to intubate her (breathing tube) he punctured three places going down and she suffocated. I can't imagine this being easy to die this way. I hate thinking that she suffered. At 20 years old, the apple of her parents eyes, in just a few minutes she was gone forever.
I was 8 years old at the time. Actually had just turned 8 years old exactly 1 week prior to this.
I remember this day like it was yesterday. I had gone to school like any other day. We were going on a field trip. We were supposed to go a couple hours away to ride a train, but for some reason those plans were changed. So my mom didn't go with us that day. We had gone to the college play ground and had gone to my teachers daughter's house because she had just had her first baby. We had left there and were headed to McDonalds for lunch when the school secretary pulled up to get me. All she could tell me was that Amy was on her way to the hospital. I got back to school to get my things and my brother was already waiting at the door for our parents. We got to the hospital and we saw Amy. I held her hand, I talked to her, even though she coudln't talk to me. She smiled at me and squeezed my hand. I am trying so hard right now not to cry while writing this. We left the room to go back down to the waiting room. What seemed like forever, but was probably only about 20 minutes, Someone came down and told us she was gone. What? Gone? NO!!! I just saw her. I just held her hand. She was ok. You are lying. Lying do you hear me. It can't be true. After crying for a while, my 8 year old self looked up at my mother and asked if I could go see her. She told me that it wasn't going to be the way I thought it would be. Amy couldn't talk to me or anything. I nodded. My mommy walked me into that room. I still remember it. Sometimes the image of my sister laying on the hospital bed motionless haunts me. Some have asked why my mom took me into the room that day. Why did she think an 8 year old was ready for that? I don't think anyone is ready for something like that. No matter the age. But for me it was a conclusion to that day. My sister was really gone. We would go home that night without her. My big sister was my best friend even though there was 12 years difference between us. She wasn't even my natural sister, but you never would have known.
Ok I will get away from this now.
Time is going slowly by this morning. Today is one of my favorite days. After 1230 I am free the entire day. Which makes me very happy. Mainly my plans will be for me to catch up on some reading and sleeping. I doubt anyone will be a part of my afternoon.
I will probably write more tomorrow.

Ponderings

22 years old and single. All my friends are starting to date or hang out with the guys they like. Sometimes this just doesn't seem to be fair. I have one guy interested but I am not interested in him at all. So now I just sit back and wait for my prince charming. That is so hard to do. I don't even want to be patient right now. I want a guy. I want to feel loved. But I know I can't do anything until I know God says so. I said in my last post what I wanted. Ok so I am going to quit complaining.

Who am I?

Recently I have been learning about who I am. Who I am as a young woman in Christ, who I am lost among others on a college campus, and who I am in my family.
Over the years I have lost who I am. I have become what others want me to be. Others being my parents, my friends even my work. Why? Because I want people to like me. I know, I'm crazy.
I am slowly coming back to a realization of exactly who I am and what I want in life. I am 22 almost 23 and single. I want to meet that special guy, but it hasn't happened yet. I want to start planning for a future, I don't want to dream any more. But I can honestly tell you what I want in a man.
He needs to love God more than anything. For a while I didn't think this was important. But I know now just how much I need that in a man. I want a man who will be respectful towards me. If he doesn't know how to respect a woman, than gues what, he is not worth my precious time.
I need a guy who is proud of me. Who will tell people about me and be proud that I am his.
Looks do not matter to me. As long as he has nice eyes and a nice smile that's all I need. Eyes that can search deep into my soul and know when something is bothering me and that look at me with amazin love, and a smile that lights up the room and that when he smiles at me I can't help but smile back at him because his smile is for me.

I need to be who I am. I have my own hopes and dreams and my own beliefs. I can let others influence me in a way that make me think and possibly change for the better, but not so that I try to change me just to make them happy.

I am also on a treck to lose weight. I am having a hard time with it. It's something I really want to do, but seem to struggle with it. I need to just grow up and do it. I wanted to do the surgery, and was going to, but the insurance company no longer pays for it. But that's not always the way to go. Am I okay with being the way I am? Of course, I have come to be happy with how I look no matter what others say.