Christmas

Today is Thursday. It has been a little while since I wrote. Needless to say I have been busy. Finals are done, I am home relaxing. Or at least I will be. I have been working on a sermon that I preached today. This morning I gave a sermon to the senior high of New Covenant Academy. I spoke on the "FEAR NOTS" of Christmas. All in all I think I did a fairly good job. I didn't break out in hives!! Which was a big accomplishment for me. Every time I speak to a large crowd (or even my class) I get so nervous that I break out. The day started out with worship. I had my friend Mara lead us today. She did amazing. Preschool gave the word. They recited Luke 2 for us. All I can say is they did an amazing job. It never ceases to amaze me every Christmas how well they do. Thanks to my friend Carrie who gave me a word of advice last night. She said that God never gives someone a word unless we can apply it to ourselves first. Wow is that ever true. I got up in front of the pulpit and started getting really nervous. I spoke the words to the kids that Carrie had told me and I was able to proceed. God is good. I didn't break out and I feel that I did well. God is good. I not only got something out of it but I pray that someone else did. Blessings on your day!

Finals

Well we are down to the end. Finals are upon us and I am happy because I only have two. Today is Tuesday and I am down one. I took one this morning and got an A on it. That makes me so happy.
I can't say I'm not ready for this Christmas break. I need to get away from this place now more than I feel I have ever needed to. It hasn't been easy for me. I want some parts of my old life back. But I know I am better of this way. I have given up so much to become who I am. For the most part I am happy with who I have become. But yet some days I do feel so lost. Like things can fall away so quickly.I have lost someone i thought was a good friend. A part of me honestly misses her. I have great guy friends. Please don't get me wrong about that. I love them to death.But sometimes I just miss that female companionship. I can talk girl talk with the guys, but sometimes it can get awkward on my part. Not because they don't mind, but because it's so personal.
This break is going to be one of relaxation but doing some more changes. I am going to let God be God and let him use me in any way He wants. I am going to be working with the youth group, I am going to be preaching in just a little over a week to a Christian high school.

Be Still and KNOW HE is GOD

This was someone else's blog today. And it honestly made me think. Lately I've been running around. Going from one activity to another. But I haven't taken enough time to sit down and just listen. In just a couple weeks I will be preaching at a Christian high school. Not very many kids, but it's still intimidating. We hear about God talking to us in the weirdest places, well it happened to me. Yesterday I was in the shower thinking over my sermon. I have had many ideas in my head the last months. They finally all came together and I am so nervous but feel really good about it. But it made me think. I know God chooses to talk when He wants to talk, but seriously, this is one of the few times where I am actually relaxed and He took the time to tell me that it was time to listen. This holiday I will be slowing down. I am going to relax and listen to God. I am going to be away from school and the people here I care about, and that will be hard, but I will be relaxed. I am trusting God to speak and continue to speak to me over the years to come.

Hurt

Well, talk about hurting badly. I tried to get out of a situation that I didn't even want to be in, and in the process, have become a most hated person. I lost someone I cared about. This has made me realize I am done with people. Completely done. I will be hiding the next few weeks until school is over and I don't care about anyone else. I am worthless and I hate myself. So if I don't even post on here I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting anyone!

Tired

I am so tired it's not even funny. It's been many hours since I had any type of real sleep. I am so sick of all this crap! Sometimes it's hard for me to understand what all is going on. I just want to turn my back on everything and go to sleep!!!!! I posted this with someone watching over my back. Now they are gone and I can post my feelings. I really am hurt today. I told myself I wouldn't let myself get hurt, but it happened and it's too late to change it. He knows something is wrong with me but I can't bring myself to tell him. I have sacrificed time to help him the last couple days. I am now just lying down for the first time since 2 yesterday afternoon for a short 1.5 hour nap. Other than that, I have been up since 715 am Sunday morning. I am so tired, I am cranky, and I just want to quit everything!

PRAYER

This song is my prayer today. I just want to give it all to Him and trust in Him. He knows what is best for my life. He has never left me, even in my darkest time; He has always kept me safe.
Today has been an interesting day. I was up late again last night talking with someone who has become a very dear friend to me. Situations have risen and seemed out of control. But I know God is faithful. I have had problems giving everything to God before. Last night was one of those nights you just wish never happened. But it did. First my power cord to my computer decided it didn't want to work anymore. And for those of you who know me, my laptop battery doesn't work. So I have to rely on that cord every day. So that was the first thing last night. Well ok, not the first thing, the first thing was I wasn't feeling well and went into the bathroom to find that I was out of tp. I thought I had an extra roll, but I was wrong. Luckily though I went in search of one after the power cord died and found a roll in the security office. I'm glad I have made them my friends. So anyways, the power issue is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I sat on the floor just letting the tears pour out. I was crying so hard. But for me, tears = healing.
So, here I am at work, where there is an extra power cord that I am borrowing until I can get a replacement. I opened the laptop and I have a widget on my desktop of Bible verses. I get a new one every day. And as I am sitting here reading it, I can't help but think, I don't do this nearly enough. Colossians 3:17 says, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Here we are, just celebrating Thanksgiving, and I realize just how many people (including myself) do not give as much thanks every day as we should. All I know, right now, is I have so much to be thankful for. God has been doing so many things in my life and in my family's lives, that I can't not thank Him. For the past few months I have been praying for my brother. Okay I should say for the past few years we have been praying. But in particularly we have been praying a lot the last few months. My brother and I had a falling out (never lend money to siblings, parents are ok because they do everything else for you, but not siblings). I love my brother. But if you can't tell, I did lend him money. The first time I did it, he paid me back. Actually he paid me back almost double. So I thought I could trust him and I lent him 200 dollars. Plus I had given him money for new tires for my car. Well, he said he'd have the money. Time went on and he didn't call. So I started calling him. He was avoiding every call. It got to the point where he would pick up the phone and hang up so it wouldn't go to his voicemail. I was getting frustrated. My mom paid me back the money for the tires, but here was my savings (I was saving for a new laptop), completely depleted. I wanted to give up honestly. I was sick of it all. I was hurting over this. But deep in my heart I felt God telling me not to give up. Keep praying for him. So I did. I quit calling and kept praying. I asked my classmates and friends to pray as well. His birthday was last week, (which I had forgotten by the way). But I was going through my phone list and decided to give it a try. I called him. HE ANSWERED. Needless to say I was floored. But even more so, he was at my house! He was with my family again. So we talked for a few minutes and hung up. Well he had to work the days around Thanksgiving so he didn't come home. I was disappointed but I understood. Well, yesterday, while my friend and I were driving back to campus, I called him again. We talked for a good while. I didn't bring up the money, because honestly, if he doesn't have it, I'm not going to hound him for it. So we talked and he said he would try to come see me this coming weekend. I'm not holding my breath, but it would be nice. But as we talked, he mentioned he had moved and was now living above a bar. My brother inherited my father's old drinking habits. So hearing my brother say this was beyond scary for me. So I came right out and asked him. He told me he is hardly drinking at all. He said he has one or two here or there, but he knew he couldn't do it anymore, and had even lost around 20lbs so far since he stopped putting it away every day. I started crying when he told me this. If he is being completely serious (which I plan on asking my parents about the weight loss on Tuesday) I am so proud of him and know this is one step in the right direction. We can't stop praying, my brother isn't saved. He grew up in a good home, even though things were hard on us. My sister's death and my father's drinking almost ruined us. And in the time, it ruined who he could have been. But he's 30 now. He needs to grow up. I pray God will show him that He has been there all along for my brother, and probably saved his life a time or two. My brother should be in jail. He should be dead. But he's not. And it's thanks to God.
I hope these words from this song become a prayer like they are for me right now.

My life is in You, Lord
My strength is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord
In You, it's in You
My life is in You, Lord
My strength is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord
In You, it's in You
I will praise You with all of my life
I will praise You with all of my strength
With all of my life
With all of my strength
All of my hope is in You
My life is in You, Lord
My strength is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord
In You, it's in You
My life is in You, Lord
My strength is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord
In You, it's in You
In You, it is in You!

Thanksgiving and my ramblings

So I am sitting here thinking about everything that has been going on lately. Thanksgiving 2007 has come and gone and all I can think about is how much I am blessed. Even though I miss being in a relationship and wish I had a man to care about me, I know how blessed I am to have my friends. My friends are absolutely amazing and I don’t know where I’d be right now without them. My time at home has been good. I brought a friend home with me for break and it’s been nice spending time with him and spending time with my family. I am still learning everything God has for me. Something I am struggling with right now is how I look. I am not feeling like I can attract a guy like some girls can. It’s hard when you find yourself liking someone, but be told that you are just a friend and they feel like you are like a sister or you just aren’t their body type. I think that one hurts the worst. Being told I am not good enough is something I have always heard. Sometimes I just want to feel what it’s like to be cared about by that certain man. I want to be held in strong arms; arms that I know will protect me and stay by my side when I need him. I don’t want to sound like a complete romantic but I honestly just want a man I can care for and who will care for me. Being alone sometimes just hurts. The thing that hurts the most is waiting for God to give me that special person. I know I can wait. But as humans we do not like to be patient. Patience is something we all have problems with. I know there is someone out there that I know I can put up with for the rest of my life, but the patience of waiting for him and being myself are the struggles I put up with for every guy I have ever met. I know I talk a lot about guys in this bog, but that’s what has been going on in life for me right now. I’m not perfect. I know that. But I want someone who will see me for me and want me for who I am and not try to change me. I have finally learned who I am and am waiting for the man to know who he is and come together as one someday. I honestly just want to feel cared for and feel safe with. I have crushes on guys, but am tired of wondering if they feel the same way because I cannot come forward and just tell them. In the past when I have done that it has turned out badly, and these guys are amazing friends. I can't lose the at this point in life. I earned a lot on my own at the beginning of the year when my friends had gone separate ways. Now my friends have multiplied and the ones I have now are amazing. I don't want to lose even one of them at this point. They all mean so much to me and I know just what it means to have real friends. God has truly blessed me with amazing friends and at this moment in time I won't do anything to ruin that friendship between us right now.